The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
