so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I wish there were birth control emojis
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
