Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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