I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
