We're like a lot better than the average bears
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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