wanna go halves on a baby?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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