She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
