he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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