I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
