i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am naked and annoyed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
