Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
