worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize