You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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