How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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