I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
