You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
