she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
