my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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