i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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