Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we're chasing vodka with high fives
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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