I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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