One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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