I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
