This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
