What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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