nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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