She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Those nachos came to me in a dream
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
