This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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