Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
