If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you are never too drunk for berry picking
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
