sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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