Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
me + whiskey = a bad person
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize