Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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