He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
