Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
