this boner is exhausting
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
