maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
