so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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