hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
