it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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