his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
