1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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