Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
