If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
