Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
