the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
