My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
