My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
