I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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