I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
