Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
