I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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