you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize