my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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