I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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